But first a word from our sponsor:
South on Second,
North on Fourth.
South on Second,
North on Fourth.
[WTF sponsor is that, Dude?]
It's me. I sponsor my own damned blog because everyone else is too stupid cheap smart to give me any money for this.
[Whatever.]
OK -- Now on to our Main Message:
RULE ONE: if you drive in Downtown Seattle, STAY OFF THIRD AVENUE. Always. 24/7. Just pretend it doesn't exist.
[But Dude, it's not closed all day . . . just during rush hour]
Which is when, exactly?
[Uhh . . . 6-9 AM and 3-6:30 PM, right?]
Why, yes, that's right. And what time is it right now?
[Uhh . . . well, it's 8:55 AM, so I'm OK, right?]
I dunno, are you? I have seen one motorcycle officer pull over not one, not two, not three, but four, count 'em FOUR motorists on Third Avenue . . . at 8:57 AM! Yes! It's true! Officer Friendly would love to get your $124 -- the city does have a budget problem, ya know?
[Fine, fine. So will you get to your point?]
No, not yet. First I'm going to tell you why you don't want to drive on Third Avenue.
RULE TWO: There is nothing on Third Avenue you want to drive to.
[What if you're wrong?]
RULE THREE: Then there's no place to park when you get there.
[Are you sure?]
Of course. Besides, once you're on Third Avenue,
RULE FOUR: You can't turn left, regardless of what the signs say.
[Get real.]
Well, have you tried? All that oncoming traffic? Why bother? See Rule One.
[But besides that?]
Besides that...
RULE FIVE: Third is full of buses.
[Well, yeah. So?]
RULE FIVE-A: Worse, Third is full of trolley buses.
[Trol--what?]
Trolley buses. These are the ones with the poles on the wires.
[I thought trolleys were like those things in San Francisco with all the tourists hanging out.]
No. Those are cable cars. Technically a trolley is a vehicle that gets power from overhead electrical wires. A trolley trolls (trawls?) for power. SRSLY.
But that's not the point.
[Oh?]
The point is that whenever a trolley bus goes through a switch, a trail-in, or a cross-ever (collectively "special work"), it has to slow down to 5 MPH.
So, let me ask you: Do you know where all the special work on Third is?
[Uh . . . no.]
Thought not. So, not only is Third full of buses, it's full of buses that slow down to 5 MPH WITHOUT WARNING! This brings us to the next rule --
RULE SIX: Only crazy people drive on Third Avenue.
[Are you calling me crazy?]
Are you driving on Third Avenue?
[Uhh . . .]
Do you think bus drivers are crazy?
[Hell, yeah!]
And Third is full of buses, right?
[Well, yeah.]
So, Third is full of crazy drivers.
[Hey! You're right!]
Glad to see you getting the picture. So, let me tell you the biggest reason not to drive on Third Avenue:
RULE SEVEN: YOU'RE IN THE WAY!
[What?]
SRSLY. I have people to get to work, or to get home from work. When you drive on Third, you're in the way of all the people on my bus. And the bus behind me. And the bus behind that.
It's entirely possible that you are single-handedly preventing 500 people from getting to work on time.
[Yeah, so? Fuck 'em!]
I'll tell them you said that.
[Good!]
Then I'll open the doors so they can respond in person.
[Uh . . .]
All 500 of them.
[Fine, fine! I'll get off Third. Happy? But now what do I do?]
See Rule One:
South on Second,
North on Fourth.
South on Second,
North on Fourth.
[Sigh.]
Yup. The life you save may be your own!